Ninja on Crack
by envygreedgreenthunder
Summary: Co-Written with Manic the Hedgehog. Naruto and the gang are High, Drunk and are being sent to hogwarts. watch as they destroy the castle and show the two differant sides of a ninja's life.
1. paaarrrrttttyyy!

_**Disclaimer: this is for the whole story, we own nothing! Except from this idea and the drugs.**_

**Hiya, I jus**t **wanna say that this story is been written by Envygreedgreenthunder and manic the hedgehog. So enjoy!**

**Ninja on crack**

**Summary: Hogwarts prepare your self. When Dumbledore asks for ninja to protect his school he expects cold killing machines, and so does the rest of the school, but the ninja that arrive are dirty minded, mental druggies. One even seams to like fire, a bit too much.**

A blue eyed blonde eyed the basket in a raven haired boy's arms. For five minutes they both looked at the innocent basket before the blonde suddenly whipped out a rolled up piece of paper from his bright orange pocket.

"Cheese?" The bloned read off the paper,

"Check" the raven replied,

"Lettuce?"

"Check"

"Tomatoes?"

"Check"

"Cannabis?"

"Illegal drug" the blonde looked up from the list with silted red eyes and growled,

"**Cannabis?**" The raven shuddered and replied timidly,

"Growing in the back garden", the blonde smiled and his eyes returned to the deep sky blue,

"Good" He chirped. They carried on down the list until they were sure they had everything. After that they headed back to the Uchia compound to set up the party, hence the reason why they were buying food. It was their last day in Konoha before they left for a year long mission to some distant country.

$$$At the party, A.K.A. Time skip$$$

Naruto and Sasuke had set out all the food and put up the decorations. They were ready for their guests. Naruto collapsed on the sofa with a bottle of blue WKD,

"Hey Sasuke, what are ya doing?" he asked as the raven came in dragging a massive box. The said boy straightened and turned to Naruto.

"I brought all the alcohol through from the back room." Naruto sighed happily thinking, '_ah, I taught him well_' he head Kyuubi laughing in his head. "Sasuke, could you go get some cannabis and the cigarettes too?" he asked, Sasuke glared at him,

"Get it your self"

"Please Sasu-kun" Sasuke melted at Naruto's puppy dog eyes and went to get the drugs.

"**Whipped**" kyubi muttered, the chibi Naruto's in said blonde's head snickered. Naruto heard Kyubi's comment and snickered himself as he got up to answer the door. Gaara was standing outside with Temari and Kankerou,

"Hey Gaara, Temari, Kankerou, come in. Dear Sasu-kun is getting the drugs" The sand sibs laughed, everyone but Sasuke seamed to realise that he was whipped. A few minutes after that Sakura, Shikamaru, Ino and Choji all arrived, closely followed by Neji, Lee, Tenten, Kiba and Shino. The last people to arrive were Jiraiya, Tsunade, kakashi and Iruka. Hinata wasn't invited because she was away on Hyuga business. And with that the party started. Shikamaru was standing at the side with a fag in his mouth and a can of beer, Naruto, Gaara, Kankerou, Kiba, Tenten, Neji, Kakashi and Jiraiya were all sitting in a circle passing round the cannabis, then some alcohol, then some more drugs. Those who weren't in the circle were sitting at the table drinking. The night ended with the 16 partiers all being either high, drunk or both. Lee had stripped to his birthday suit and was now stumbling round high and drunk yelling about youthfulness. They soon were all out on the streets stumbling around and giggling madly. This was how the Akastuki found them at three in the morning when they had been about to attack Konoha. To say they were surprised to see the Hokage and Kasekage dancing around and giggling drunkenly was an understatement. They soon spotted Naruto who was running into _everything_ claming he would catch the bogey man. Itachi walked forward and looked him in the eyes, Naruto's pupils were changing sizes, being big one second then shrinking the next, the Uchia turned to his leader,

"Leader-sama, he's high and possibly drunk" the group was silent.

"Hey, isn't that Jiraiya of the sannin?" Kisame asked as a white haired man went stumbling past. The leader nodded.

"I think we should go" Leader proclaimed,

"OKAYS see yaz!" Kisame yelled, they turned to see that the fish man was standing with Deiadara drinking the booze that Tsunade was drunkenly giving them. Itachi sighed and walked over to Kisame, everyone expected him to take the alcohol away from them and drag them back but instead he took a gulp. Leader sighed,

"If ya can't beat them join them" He said before walking toward the drunken Konoha ninja and the tipsy Akastuki.

5 hours later, at eight o clock the drunk and high ninja all collapsed in Sasuke and Naruto's open plan living room. Only an hour later an ANBU was knocking at the door waking up the hung-over ninja.

"Holy fuck, my head" Naruto moaned. As everyone realised that their was the Akastuki in the living room, Sasuke opened the door, only to be met with bright sunlight and chirping birds.

"Oh My God it burns!" He yelled covering his eyes; the ANBU at the door sweat dropped, and dropped the scroll in to the hand that was not protecting the sensitive charcoal eyes. Everyone winced as the door slammed closed. Tsunade looked at the missing Nins again before sighing and standing up. She walked over to the couch, and kicked Jiraiya off it so she could sit down. The white haired man moaned and didn't move. The medic Nin channelled some chakra and placed her hand on her forehead, after a few minutes she stopped with a relieved smile.

"Now that my hangovers gone lets get you lot sorted." She fixed everyone's hangover problem before she turned back to the missing Nins.

"Why are you here?"

"Well we were going to attack but then we ended up joining in on your drinking party." Leader explained. Tsunade shrugged,

"As long as you don't kill us or anything whatever, Sasuke what does the scroll say" the raven opened the scroll and sweat dropped.

"It's to tell us that we're 3 hours late for meeting Dumbledore the man who hired us" everyone else sweat dropped and they all started to move to the Hokage's office.

"Ah sorry we're all late, we had a party and err…whatever. So are you ready to take your ninja Dumbledore-sama?" the old man chuckled and nodded. To Tsunade's gesture a load of moaning ninja came forward, the group consisted of: The Konoha 12 and the sand sibs. Akastuki were now milling around at the back not really having anything to do…until Tobi had an idea.

"Hey leader-senpai!" Leader sighed, this was going to be a long day, "Why don't we go to Hogwarts and cause trouble?!" yes this was going to be a very long day.

"Tobi, I'm sure this man doesn't want us destroying his castle." Dumbledore chuckled and nodded his head once more before popping a lemon drop into his mouth.

"Lemon drop?" The poor old man was bombarded by ninja, all wanting to taste the sweet.

"CANDY!!!!!" The ninja all collapsed on the floor eating the sugary treat. Tsunade sighed and hid the happy pills she used to keep her self sane.

_Tsunade sighed and calmed the ninja down, "Okay, listen up! The mission is…"_

"_Wow this is some shit-ass castle" Naruto said awed._

**Yo this is envy! Hope you enjoyed the first chapter! The next chapter will be being written by Manic the Hedgehog. **

**Hope you enjoyed! **


	2. the alphabet

Hiya, I just wanna say that this story is been written by Envygreedgreenthunder and bexky2906

_**Disclaimer: this is for the whole story, we own nothing! Except from this idea and the drugs.**_

**Hiya, I jus**t **wanna say that this story is been written by Envygreedgreenthunder and manic the hedgehog. So enjoy!**

**Ninja on crack**

**Summary: Hogwarts prepare your self. When Dumbledore asks for ninja to protect his school he expects cold killing machines, and so does the rest of the school, but the ninja that arrive are dirty minded, mental druggies. One even seams to like fire, a bit too much.**

Last time:

_Tsunade sighed and calmed the ninja down, "Okay, listen up! The mission is…"_

"_Wow this is some shit-ass castle" Naruto said awed._

Once Tsunade had managed to calm down her ninja, leaving a very battered Dumbledore sitting there, she had to release a sigh, when just as she began to talk, Naruto decided he would take a nap and fell asleep lying on Sasuke. When the poor raven haired boy attempted to wake the blonde he just sat up held up a finger and slurred,

"Some people are like slinkies, not really good for anything but they still bring a smile to your face when you push them down the stairs" Every single person in the room stared utterly confused as the blonde once more collapsed asleep on the ravens knee. Tsunade rolled her eyes and began to brief the ninja on what their mission was. And to say the least everyone was excited this magic sounded like fun, especially the summoning spell when they heard that all that ran through the ninjas mind was '_we can so summon drugs and alcohol to us when ever we feel like it. Woo!' _while all that ran through Dumbledore's mind was '_oh dear god! What have I gotten me and my school into_?' Two days later and the ninja where all hauled out of their home and off to London to get their school supplies…

With Harry Ron and Hermione

"So you think the guards will be really powerful?" Ron asked taking a look into a compartment… nope that one was full as well they moved on.

"Most likely" Hermione replied moving on at yet another full compartment they reached the end and Harry couldn't help but stare at what he was seeing in the last compartment he actually blinked a few times nope he was definitely seeing it, what you ask well I shall tell…

Inside Sasuke was stretched out over one side of the compartment his wand lazily pointing towards a huge cushion with Naruto sitting on it he was smoking… something. Everyone stared Sasuke included when Naruto suddenly began singing, only making Harry sure that he was watching a human form of the caterpillar from Alice in wonderland

"AAAA. A. E. I. O. UUUUUUUUUUU. U. UEIOAAAAAA" he abruptly stopped as the thing he was smoking went out his eyes became big and teary and he looked to his raven haired friend,

"Sasuke… it's all gone" he whimpered, Sasuke rose an eyebrow trying to pretend that the fumes from item the blonde had just smoked had no effect on him.

"So what do you want me to do about it?" he asked lazily Naruto stared at him with unfocused eyes,

"Get me some more duh" he said as if he was telling him the sky was blue. Sasuke gave a look that clearly said 'that's too much work get some yourself' Naruto's eyes flared red at the look

"**Sasuke"** he growled **"get me more cannabis right now"** Sasuke rolled his eyes and sat up and bellowed,

"NEJI" at that moment a long black haired white eyed boy can in,

"Yes" he slurred,

"Naruto is out of cannabis" Sasuke replied Neji pulled out something and handed it to the high blonde and left. The blonde then began to roll himself a new joint singing a song all the while; it went a little like this,

"Roll, roll, roll a joint, twist it at the ends, light it up and take a puff and pass it to your friends" this song was sung to the tune of row your boat and Naruto, after taking a long deep puff, said,

"Courtesy of Green Day" before taking another long breath of the joint he then noticed the shocked golden trio standing in the door way and motioned to the empty seat. The golden trio carefully took it and was instantly offered a joint; to which they politely refused. Naruto huffed and offered the joint to Sasuke who also refused which left them with a pouting high blonde kit.

Naruto was still pouting five minuets later when the door to the compartment opened again and Draco Malfoy walked in. The boy stopped in mid step to stare, Naruto looked up and grinned, holding out his joint, he said,

"Cannabis?" Sasuke sighed and stood up taking the joint and taking a long drag before giving it back to the blonde.

"There happy?" he asked sitting back down heavily, Naruto grinned and nodded.

"Thank you Sasu" he said happily before taking a long drag himself he leaned back on the cushion and began to sing once more.

"AAAA. A.E.I.O.UUUUUU. UUUU.U.E.I.O.AAAAAAAAAAAA" Sasuke rolled his eyes and sat back.

"You want to be that stuff is awful" he grumbled, Naruto turned to look at him, Sasuke shrugged

"I prefer the alcohol" he stated simply Naruto grinned and nodded seemingly happy with what the black haired boy had said.

"Err?" Malfoy asked,

"We don't know either they where like this when we arrived" Harry replied watching as Sasuke stood up, stating that he had to go to the bathroom and went to walk out but only succeeded on falling flat on his face, he sat up flopped back so he was sitting on his bum, took in a deep breath, turned to Naruto and bellowed.

"NARU! I NEED TO GO TO THE BATHROOM AND YOURE STUPID DRUGS HAVE MADE MY BRAIN STOP SENDING VITAL MESSAGES I NEED FOR THE JOYS OF WALKING" Naruto had swiftly covered his ears against the bellow coming form his boyfriend and he slid off the pillow with a grace he wouldn't have had if he weren't high. The blonde swayed around a little then bent down and hauled the raven up onto his feet.

"DO NOT BLAME THE DRUGS" Naruto bellowed into the poor raven ear, Sasuke grabbed the sides of his head against the ringing in his ears. Naruto then began to walk dragging his poor boyfriend behind him and returned 5 minuets with out the raven and an evil grin on his face

"Where did Sasuke go" Ron asked him, not sure he wanted to know the answer, Naruto turned to look at him, looking slightly less high than he had been before.

"He only asked me to help him get there the rest he has to figure out on his own" the blonde replied as he lightly jumped back onto his still floating pillow.

"Um are you still high?" Hermione asked, Naruto shook his head…

And curled up on the pillow and fell asleep.

Sasuke returned ten minutes looking livid and completely ready to kill the blonde until he saw that the blonde was all curled up asleep and looking more like a fox than normal, and so he settled for sighing and flopping back down in his seat

"Where you high?" Ron asked, Sasuke shook his head,

"Then how come you couldn't walk?" Malfoy sneered, Sasuke didn't reply just gaped fondly at his sleeping Kitsune.

The trip to Hogwarts to say the least was nothing short of interesting for the young wizards after all they got to witness Naruto high and singing, and there was five hilarious minuets with a high and drunk Neji and Shikamaru who came in declaring their love for each other and making out furiously until the drugs and alcohol wore off and they realised what they where doing and Shikamaru was now being chased up and down the train by a livid Neji who was screaming about how Shikamaru had being trying to rape the Hyuga leaving Naruto and Sasuke to roll around on the floor laughing and promptly turning pink then blue as they starved their bodies of oxygen and where now unconscious from lack of air in all it was five minuets of pure hilarity and a few good comments such as Ron stating that if the ninja where going to be like this all the time it was going to make for one hell of a year at Hogwarts, Harry and Hermione weren't so sure about this after all these where meant to be guarding them and well they couldn't exactly guard people if they where high or drunk could they?

1 hour later…

And the train was coming to a stop when Sasuke, Naruto, the golden trio, Malfoy and his gang all climbed off the train, Naruto swiftly fell about laughing at the sight of Neji and Shikamaru who where still chasing and being chased respectively Sasuke swiftly hit his boyfriend over the head and the blonde sobered up and they headed into the castle

"Wow that's shit-ass castle" Naruto heard Lee shout out he grinned and Sasuke smirked.

5 minuets later…

And they where all in the great hall waiting to be sorted.

"Now when I call your name you will come up and here and-"

"Smoke some cannabis?" one of the Ninja asked loudly, gaining laughter from the others

"No we will have to make out with our significant other" Sakura said smirking, this gained more laughter and disapproving looks from the teachers,

"No. you will come up and the hat will sort you into your houses" the ninja fell silent a slight look of disappointment flashing over their faces

"Sasuke Uchia" Sasuke blushed but stepped forward…

**Whoop! Finished. Hope you enjoy this chapter, sorry for it taking so long to be posted, next chapter is the sorting!**


	3. Another PARTY!

Last time on Ninja's on crack

Last time on Ninja's on crack

"_Now when I call your name you will come up and here and-" _

"_Smoke some cannabis?" one of the Ninja asked loudly, gaining laughter from the others _

"_No we will have to make out with our significant other" Sakura said smirking, this gained more laughter and disapproving looks from the teachers,_

"_No. you will come up and the hat will sort you into your houses" the ninja fell silent a slight look of disappointment flashing over their faces _

"_Sasuke Uchia" Sasuke blushed but stepped forward…_

He climbed up the stairs to sit on the three legged stool, when he reached and was sitting a large hat was placed on his head.

"_Well, let's see. A smart brain…" _

"Hmm, it talks" Sasuke said out loud, every ninja stared before Naruto burst out laughing. He stopped when he realised that the smoking leaf of cannabis that had been in his mouth had fell to the ground. Every person in the hall watched as Naruto's eyes went wide. Neji moved quickly to light another and he put it in Naruto's mouth, the boy immediately relaxed as he took in the first puff of smoke.

"_Anyway, intelligent, strong willed, used to be on the dark side, hmmm, this was all changed by your team mates, the last of your family…" _

"Do you mind, those are not for your eyes" Sasuke said mentally closing his mind. He thought he felt the hat pout but instead he called out for the hall to hear,

"GRYFFINDOR!"

"Next, Naruto Uzumaki!" Naruto bounded up the stairs gaining laughs from the school.

"_A smart boy, lonely past, but you have discovered a family…something more sinister lurks though. What is it?" _everyone in the hall saw as Naruto smirked, suddenly the hat gave a shriek and somehow managed to get it's self off the boy's head. "Monster!" Naruto turned to face the hat that was sitting on the teachers table with a raised eyebrow.

"Monster? No, no, no, I am not a monster!" he whispered something that only the hat could hear but it made him more afraid

"Slytherin, for god's sake Slytherin" Naruto gave a calm smirk and headed off. The whole off the table slid along to the other end, but Naruto simply brought out his still smoking drug and took a drag. Soon all of the ninja were sorted with Neji and gaara joining Naruto on Slytherin, the rest were in Gryffindor. The school ate whilst the ninja conversed in quiet tones.

"I AM NOT!!" Naruto suddenly yelled. Gaara sat back smirking, "Alright _Sandman_ let's take this outside." If people had looked close enough they would have seen kyuubi's red eyes and Shikaku's golden ones instead of Naruto and Gaara's normal eyes. But as it was people were to scared and were backing away slowly. The two disappeared in a swirl of sand and puff of smoke.

Outside they were standing waiting for some unknown signal. The whole school was chattering excitedly and a little bit frightened." Aren't you going to stop them?" Hermione asked, Sasuke shook his head." They wont hurt each other" Hermione nervously smiled until she heard "hopefully" her face took on a shocked look instead. They began.

Slowly after many punches, kicks and justu's they started to actually hurt each other. Naruto had a gash on his arm, Gaara had a slightly burnt hand. Then it got so violent that the Hogwarts students had to be rushed away.

Naruto and Gaara ended in bloody heaps but they felt a lot better. Because you see this had all been to release some of that non existent (thanks to the drugs) stress. The ninja all returned to their dormitories to frighten the pupils and so that Naruto could have his sitting-on-a-pillow-smoking-stuff time. Naruto was happy. Gaara was happy. Neji was happy. The Slytherin students were petrified. Well all except one.

Malfoy sauntered up to the ninja.

"Who are you? And why are you here?" he asked, Naruto gave him a drugged stare.

"Naruto, Here to protect your scrawny ass" he replied staggering a bit when he stood. The blonde stood a full head and shoulders above the 'scrawny' boy but the platinum blonde was obviously too thick to back away.

"I don't need protecting, my father is on the school council and if anything happens he'll sort it out!"

"So basically you need your da' to protect you" Neji said. Malfoy gave the white eyed boy a glare.

"Can you see?" Naruto laughed, whilst Neji glared.

"Of course I can. I can see better than you" Malfoy frowned,

"But-" Gaara cut in with his appearance, as the sand settled down everyone saw that he was glaring worse that usual, Only Naruto seemed not to notice, showing this when he said loudly,

"Hey G! wats up?" Gaara's infamous glare found its way to the high blonde.

"I. have. No. heroine. I. wants. **Some!!**" his voice went demonic before Neji shoved some under his nose. The Hyuga seemed to be the only one that had an endless supply of drugs. A crash sounded from outside followed by a long "Owww" the door opened to reveal non other than… the rest of the ninja. With various drugs or alcohol. The akastuki appeared out f nowhere with a crate of god knows what each.

"Alright PAR-TEY!!" Kiba yelled out as more beers were opened and passed around. Some also found the hands of the unwilling Slytherins, who after a few more became willing participants in the party.

Professor Dumbledore was woken up from a nice dream about lemon drops by a loud banging, turning to see his alarm clock he saw the time was 2 am. He groaned and sleepily opened his door to find a frantic McGonagall.

"Yes?"

"I'm so sorry, Albus but we've tried all we can!" she said apologetically,

"What is it?" he asked slightly more worried,

"The Slytherins, their having a party, with alcohol and drugs. It can only be the work of those 'protectors'" she said sniffing angrily. They both went down to the common room where the music was so loud that you could barley hear your self think. McGonagall opened the door to see people running about, toilet paper being thrown everywhere, some girls standing on a table strip dancing, beer bottles and other things being chucked at randomers and a haze of smoke coming from different points around the room. Dumbledore was sure that something had been set alight too. A group of people moved to reveal that it was the couch that ad been set alight. Malfoy suddenly jumped past, a bottle of vodka in one hand, dug in his mouth and a match in the other hand. They stared. Flitwick appeared beside them with a camera and started to take photos. Soon the other teachers arrived and not long after that the other students. Dumbledore sighed, this was going to be a long night.

**Next chapter, sorry for the long wait! I have no real excuse so yeah, sorry!**

**Envy xx**


End file.
